Now, here is a regimen for those with an even greater abundance of willpower:

STARVE YOURSELF. 

Please keep in mind that this is not for the fattest of the fat. Losing weight in a slower fashion will prevent that awful hanging extra skin nonsense. This is for those who are not yet obese, but still chubby.

What’s that you say? Starving yourself isn’t healthy? Well neither is being a voluptuous fat ass! Simply limit your calorie count to about (or less than) 1000 calories a day, and poof, you are on your way to being a beautiful skeleton (‘big boned’ skeleton for a few of you unfortunate souls)

Its easy to count calories when they are on the package, but what do you do with meals that are cooked for you? Simple: Take three large bites with lots of water in between. The bites can be a mouthful if you want, but remember you can only take THREE. (maximum size of a bite should be half the size of your palm) Then wait 6 hours for your next meal. (Perhaps you can save the meal you were last eating and have some of it later… saves dollars as well… and who doesn’t love dollars?)

If you find yourself hungry and tired in between, eat some fucking produce. Most produce counts as reverse calories, since its burns more cals to digest than the actual fruit/veggie itself. Good examples of these miracle food are -apples-celery-carrots-lemons (You can add a TINY bit of sugar to the lemons, a teaspoon is only a few calories)-kumquats- strawberries-watermelon-oranges-pears-grapefruit-broccoli-cabbage-cauliflower-tomatoes… basically any fruit or veggie you can think of. Eat as many as you want in between and save the other foods for your three giant bite meal times. And don’t forget a puny dessert such as a heaping spoon full of ice cream. 

Please steer clear of diet sodas because they don’t help the thinning process at all. No types of soda do. Perhaps some nasty tea (I hate tea), 100% fruit juice, something that provides you with at least some sort of nutritional value.

Stretching is a good leaning secret as well. If you find yourself thinking about food, drink a glass of something and stretch for 10 minutes… Touch your toes, do the windmill, back bends, whatever. If you exercise vigorously, it will only spike your appetite and you will probably fail miserably.

 

Other tips for being a successful thin waif: 

Eat as soon as you wake up in order to curb hunger.

Stop surrounding yourself with fat people who tell you to love the way you are. The only reason they say that is because they know they will be horribly jealous once you cross the threshold into the Kingdom of Thin. This includes TV shows, blogs, books, movies or what have you. Instead, read Vogue and stare at all the models you could possibly be in due time.

Have an attitude like mine, and take all my fat insults to heart until your BMI is 20.

For god sake don’t buy into any of that bulimia bullshit. It doesn’t work and it makes your breath smell worse than 10 sweaty fat asses crammed into an elevator. Who wants to voluntarily puke anyway?

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT step on a fucking scale. Weight is just a number, you should be judging yourself by appearance, not a number that would change if you were to venture to outer space, or to the moon.

Stand up straight. Slouching is for those with lack of confidence and the FAT.

Keep your regimens secret because as mentioned before, most will try to talk you out of it. If someone questions you about your eating habits, say you haven’t been feeling well, or tell them to mind their own fucking business.

Minors be careful, parents may try to send you off to some stupid anorexic camp where you get to feed pathetic horses. Know when you’ve reached the limit, don’t waste away like Karen Carpenter. If your looking like a gaunt super model instead of a glowing swimsuit model, you have gone too far.