How does one get/stay skinny? Here’s the drill my fellow minions:

1. DRINK 64 oz (1000 ml) of WATER a day. That doesn’t mean you can’t drink other things, but here’s a few fluids that contribute to your Flabulous body: Alcohol, Beer, Soda, anything with a shit ton of sugar will do the trick. I would advise a low fat milk as well, because calcium aids in weight loss, and it helps build strong bones and such… But seriously…DRINK YOUR FUCKING WATER.

2. Get your walk on for ATLEAST 35 minutes a day. I’ve said 30 before, but what’s that extra 5 gonna hurt besides your fat content? If its too cold to go outside and walk, too fucking bad. This skinny bitch grew up in Minnesota, so the rest of you southern fatties and 40 degree fahrenheit winter lard asses better get yourselves some bundle-up clothes or what have you and get your ass walking! (Molly May walks her boney ass around everywhere. Whether its 101 or -25) None of this slow stop and observe every crack in the sidewalk shit either, you gotta get yourself in a fast groove if you ever wanna see your feet again. (hint hint: iPod iPod!) After you lose the first few pounds, increase the distance or time frame by 10-20 minutes. After that, 5 minutes for every five pounds lost. Make sure you at least work up a sweat…

If its highly likely that your fat ass will not have a heart attack, you can change the walking into a 15-20 minute run. (Key word is RUN, not some fat ass jogging bullshit) Be careful though, because running can spike your appetite. If indeed you have the will power to run, then gain a bit more will power to prevent yourself from gorging on food afterwards. Drink water. A lot of fucking water, before and after.

3. For god sake, get some fucking sleep. 8 hours if not more. No using your hectic work schedule as an excuse either, because if your job is so goddamn hectic, then when did you have time to sit on your ass and scarf down the pounds in the first place? (But molly may! I always get fast food because my lunch break is so short!! I Can’t help it!) Subway is fast, moron. If not Subway, then get a fucking salad or something, or pack your own healthy lunch.

4. Five a day. No, not five doughnuts, I’m talking about those things that grow outta the ground… FRUITS AND VEGGIES!! (Fries and chips are not veggies. They are potatoes who sold their soul to the devil… and the devil was sunflower oil) If you can’t always get your chubby little fingers on some fresh produce, I recommend V8 Fruit Fusion… A full fruit and veggie serving in every… oh what is it? 8, 12 ounces?

5. CONTROL (key word here) your portion sizes. I cannot express how important this is. In order for this to work, you MUST HAVE WILL POWER. You might have to bust out the measuring cups and the measuring spoons. (But what if I’m not full?! Won’t I be inclined to eat more later??!) Um, not if you have WILL POWER. All of these other weight loss regimens that promise quick results are a hoax. True and effective weight loss takes some time. Besides, you’ll get used to your new little portion sizes after a few days when your stomach begins to shrink. If you get hungry in between, snack on some produce.

I will add more when I feel it is needed.

This sounds familiar doesn’t it? Yeah I know I’m not the first person to mention this, and you might have even tried this before, but when you didn’t magically drop 20 pounds in the first month you skipped to something else or got discouraged.

Stick with this regimen for THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. If you can’t crowd weave, see some hip bones, count a rib or two, leave the plus size store behind for good, then maybe, just maybe, you can use the genetic factor as your own, personal EXCUSE.

 

Note that this regimen is for the fattest of the fat. If you are just dumb and chubby looking and want quick results this regimen will suit you better.