1. DO NOT SMOKE IF YOU HAVEN’T EATEN ALL DAY. Please. Eat first. Preferably  something filling but not fattening, such as rice cakes, or a vegetable/fruit binge. Popcorn maybe? Or even a super dose of a carbonated beverage.

2. If you are hanging with your little stoner pals, make sure they aren’t ravenously hungry before hand as well. Side note: Young men are always ravenously hungry, and they usually do not go on vegetable/fruit/special K binges. Its usually a “Dollar Menu” binge. Stick with some insecure female peers who are not as likely to frequent the fast fooderies.

3. Waking and baking will make you hungry all day. Remember this when you spark a bowl at 9 AM before your math methods 101 class and wondering why the fuck you decided to get high and sit in class for 2 hours in the first place. Upon leaving, you will most likely eat one of the smaller students who is crowding the exit. If not the small student, then most likely half of the contents of your fridge.

4. Once you begin to munch, it is very likely that you will not stop. Drinking a variety of liquids can ward off the need to feed. Water, coffee, real fruit juice, milk… even a fruit smoothie can do the trick … Liquid fills you up! And makes you pee…

5. Keep in mind that if you eat after you puff the magic dragon your high is ruined and you’ll feel even sleepier than if you had not!

Here is a list of munch safe foods that won’t ruin the hot slim body you’ve worked so hard for:

Cereals who’s main target audience is not children (Total, Special K, etc.)

Rice Cakes! These actually fill you up after like 3, and their only 50 calories a piece… usually…

Produce. You know. Fruits and Veggies.

Granola bars that aren’t coated in weird syrupy stuff. The dry granola bars that make you feel like you’ll never be able to whistle again.

Nuts. Peanuts. Treenuts. Seeds…

Grain Based salads as opposed to pasta based salads… Like Kamut or Quinoa

Don’t get stuffed this Thanksgiving.

Molly May

Now, along with the obese, toddlers with no discipline are also right up there on my “please jump off a highway overpass” list, but this little girl was extremely well behaved. The issue? Her family. Each person at this table (There were 8 of them) must have at least tipped the scale at 400+ pounds. I’m talking the type of people who probably have to get their clothes made from circus tents. The type of people, when sitting in a large group, look like a mountain range in Tibet.

The food arrived, and of course after a few bites the little tot was finished and proceed to crawl under the table with her little book bag and not disturb anyone. The mother yanked the little girl back out and proceeded to force feed her. Let me repeat that: This blubber mound of a mother proceeded to force feed her daughter. And no, she wasn’t making her finish her fruit, or her pancake, this mother was feeding her the sausage and mayo smothered eggs off of her own plate.

This young healthy little girl does not stand a chance if her mother doesn’t soon have a heart attack… or suffocate in her sleep.

One of these days I hope to live in a world where the actual health of individuals young and old is regarded with great importance, instead of consumerism, fast food, and the bashing of super models.

My prayers go out to you, toddler in pink leggings and ugly Dora the Explorer shirt. I hope you over come to challenges that come with having a band of fatties for a family.

FOR THE CHILDREN!

Molly May

I am here to stand by the women who indeed have no fucking curves, no hips, no desire to be a fat blubbering fool.

I will provide you with an article where the hypocritical website ‘jezebel’ has decided to tell me that because of my natural gag reflex that is triggered by cousins of the Michelin Man jiggling around, I am indeed ignorant. Now, now, ‘Dodai’, (or as my childish side would love to refer to as doh-doh) I am not ignorant, I am just passing judgement on the lady who only uses the grocery store scooter cart because she is too fucking fat and lazy to carry around all the junk food she plans to purchase. (And a few others…) So while all of you roly poly cunts are sitting at your computer with your bag of lard, reading this, probably slightly increasing your already dangerous heart rate into a bit of a climb due to anger, I will be out on a walk with my carrot sticks.

Stay Thin

Molly May

So America, go forth and be green! Be a lean mean non-eating machine!

Molly May. For President.

My angry little brain hath noticed a pattern. All these folk have been porkers since they were small. Why is this? Because of their shitty parents. Seriously, if your kid is fucking hungry all of the time, don’t fucking feed them all of the time. Half ton mama had resorted to hiding food in her closet as  a child like some demented pack rat. Of course the parents made up the excuse that ‘my baby shouldn’t have to starve!’. Well I have news for you enabling shit head parents, when your kid resembles a blimp and they are hungry, they are not STARVING. Do you even know what starving is?

Anyway, point being that in some cases, it is not entirely the fatty’s fault, but partially how they were raised. That obese child mentioned entries earlier? Over 500 lbs at 14? I seriously doubt that kid was wandering around  spending his hard earned work dollars on bad food choices in large quantities. No, that would be his mother.

To top off this randomized rant, only 1 out of 9 children even eat a fruit or vegetable a day. (According to a sign above the apples at Cub Foods)  You know how much produce you are SUPPOSED to eat? five!

So you select American parents, get your fucking shit together and start feeding your kids right. If you can’t properly take care of your children, you probably shouldn’t even be a parent and we should ship you off to a dictatorship because you obviously don’t deserve to abuse this fancy American freedom we have here.

Molly May

Read The Article!!

Seriously people, why would you get up in arms about something that is obviously fake? Anyone with an ounce of common sense is aware that the models (and everything else for that matter) in majority of our print media adds have been retouched in some way or another. Even those ‘real’ paunchy women we see in the Dove adds? Photoshopped. Plus sized models? Photoshopped. Everything else? PHOTOSHOPPED!

But of course, the so called REAL women of this world (Tubby ladies who aspired to be married to prince charming at age 4 and spend their days mothering the fuck out of the rest of the world instead of their own kids) Feel that this is such a fucking horrific event. Are you seriously that fucking stupid that you would compare yourself to something that is obviously photoshopped? *SLAP*

Hey REAL [fat] women, get a brain and come to realize that print media adds are not the fucking  bible. No one is asking you to saw off your hips and rip the muscle off your thighs. (although we wish you would) But in all honesty, stop acting like a bunch of angry cows every time a print add shows something OBVIOUSLY unrealistic. And while you’re at it, accept the fact that a real woman can indeed be thin and beautiful. We may not be the majority, but we are a hell of a lot better to rest eyes upon than some heffer flipping out about photoshop.

For those of you who have not seen the add that has caused outrage amongst the barnyard animals, here you go.

Notice how obviously unrealistic it is, and how any sane person would be able to giggle about the ‘chic’ bobble headed blunder rather than go from point zero to complete outrage mode.

there’s the rest of the article for all of you curious folk.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/weightloss/2009-07-20-obesityboy_N.htm

For example, Dumb-Fat-Petite-Bitch and her friend Stupid-Fat-Ogre decide to go on a diet/exercise kick together in hopes of slimming down. Hooray for them. They eat their fruits and granola, prowl around the gym (although their slow lazy asses probably only go on the elliptical for a total of ten minutes followed by excessive wheezing and sweating) and continue to eat more healthy foods and only choke up by eating at Hardee’s once. After of week of these shenannigans, they step on the scale.

S.F.O. realizes she only lost two measly pounds so far, so she is easily discouraged, gives up and stuffs her face with a double order of chinese take-out. Of course she is too stupid to realize that this was completely reasonable, since she was expecting maybe I don’t know a ridiculous goal of 7 pounds like the nasty Slimfast commercials promise?

DFPB steps on the scale and to her horror finds she’s gained one pound. This is probably because her blubbery frame gained a smidgen of muscle from working out harder than it has in the past 15 years with those 10 minute elliptical adventures along with the daily push-up and sit-up. Does she realize this? Probably not, which is why her next move is sitting in her bed crying watching the a fashion for plus sizes show while eating out of the gallon ice cream bucket with the ice cream scoop. Not once did this round dumbass realize that her thighs jiggle a little less than they used too, her double chin receded slightly, and that her body was taking kindly to her new diet of healthy eating.

So when you tubbers are out on a weight loss kick, please stay away from that stupid scale and pay attention to how your outside (and perhaps inside) is changing rather than relying on that god forsaken good for nothing mother fucking scale.