Since the last one was so popular, I’ve contemplated a few more awesome perks of being slim.

My favorite thing in almost the entire world is amusement park rides. You can’t go on all of the roller coasters, water rides, spinning tea cup thingy, power towers, gravatron etc. if you are a fat ass. It simply won’t do. You wait in the hour long line surrounded by other weird families and groping teenage couples to find that when it is your turn to fly on the wee airplane through the magical land of wind and kiddie madness, you can’t fit!!! Hell, they can’t even get the first seat belt around you let alone the weird plastic harness thingy. Surely the embarrassment of that fiasco will encourage you to start choking down the carrots as opposed to bear claws by the dozen?

Next perk about having an ass the size of two peas is the fact that as slimmies, our bones don’t have to deal with the extra stress of all of that REPULSIVE excess fat. You’re bones were formed in order to support you, not you plus the equivalent of 382 hamburgers. That’s why fatties have more aches and pains than your average joe/jane without some freaky joint disorder. In all honesty, how can you possibly be pleased with yourself when you leg alone has more rolls than a bakery? This reason isn’t purely for my sick and twisted amusement, its actually a legitimate one. No arguments here.

This next one is similar to crowd weaving, only in it more creative form typically known as DANCING. How the fuck am I supposed to get my groove on when Miss Moo Cow’s 3XL ass feels I would be better as a pancake? How am I supposed to do The Hustle when Mr. Two-By-Four floppy arm flab deems it necessary to hustle me in his lovely damp (SMELLY!) cave-for-an-arm pit? The even bigger question here is HOW the fuck are you supposed to dance with a fatty? Do you grab friends and join hands and ring-around-the-chubber? Or maybe we take the form of synchronized swimmers and pooch-ass acts as the center piece and we move our arms and legs in unison creating that twinkling star effect? Or we can follow Fat Joe’s lead and do the ultimate fat person dance move: LEAN BACK! (Ha, that’s what you do in a recliner, not on the dance floor!)

Oh honestly people, if the answer isn’t even clearer two weeks later, being thin is in, and being fat… is just a fucking hassle. A repulsive, flabby hassle.

Thin is here to stay!!

~ Molly fuckin’ May