Beachin’ It

I’ve been living on the beach observing the weight of everyone who passes my way. I’ve come to the conclusion that fat people aren’t disgusting simply because they can eat their body weight in one sitting. They aren’t nasty just because they sometimes smell weird or can’t really ooze into seating etc. like a normal person would. And they most certainly aren’t disgusting because they whine about their present state constantly or at the other end of the spectrum wrongfully force others to embrace their great round masses. No, no, they are disgusting simply because THEY LOOK FUCKING DISGUSTING and every time I see someone with stretch mark rolls seeping out of their clothes I throw up inside my mouth a little, or push my delicious salad aside simply because I lost my appetite.

I’ve been slacking, but its all rants from here on out.

~ Molly May, leisure style

Oh How Pitiful.

The public schools (probably private ones too, but I never hear about those) have taken the childhood obesity battle into their own hands. The Board of Education thinks that by simply removing all soda and candy machines that everyone will magically lose weight and start to lead the healthiest of lifestyles. Alas, Molly May will point out the obvious flaws in this ridiculous scheme.

First off, just because you cut out candy and soda at school, doesn’t mean that fat ass isn’t going to go home and magically decide not to stuff their face with soda and candy. Also, they can bring their own backpack full of soda and candy to school anyway, rendering the new solution useless.

Secondly, perhaps the only exercise those kids got was waddling their fat ass up 2 floors to the lone Coca-Cola machine (since repulsive Pepsi is trying to take over America) The schools in the district where I came from only made it required to take 2 semester long gym classes. The required one was spent playing badminton for 20 minutes and the other you got to choose between tennis, volleyball, or this one gym class made especially for girls who must have their period 24/7 because all they fucking did was sit outside on nice days and fill out self image polls when the weather sucked. So, HOW THE FUCK ARE KIDS GONNA GET AT LEAST SOME ADEQUATE EXERCISE IF THEY ARE CHANGING FOR A HALF HOUR BEFORE THEY TROMP INTO THE GYM TO HIT THEIR FRIEND IN THE EYE WITH THE FUCKING SHUTTLE A FEW TIMES. Fuck people, walking around for that amount of time is better for you than sitting in a line waiting your turn to serve a volley ball.

Thirdly, we will take a gander at the cafeteria food, which is a billion times worse for you than a can of pop. You could get a chicken patty which had more calories than a truck full of french fries, and then on the side, well low and behold, a truck load of fucking french fries. Of course, to wash this monumental meal down, you get your thimble full of some sugar-tastic fruit punch or grape juice… you want another thimble of juice? That’ll be another dollar, sucker.

Eliminating the candy machines seemed to have a more negative effect on me than it did the fatties, who always came prepared with their pockets full of sweets. Now, whenever I felt a chocolate binge coming on, I had to ditch class to trot down the street to the gas station. I wasn’t the only girl who did this either, when you take away our chocolate, you might as well have a fucking world war on your hands. That, or a bunch of girls with a sloppy painting class attendance record.

Lastly, the elimination of the candy and soda machines did nothing. The fat-asses still have the freedom to go and sit on their ass at home, play video games and eat cheetos by the bucket-full. Perhaps, just perhaps, in order to eliminate obesity, we must eliminate the fatties’ freedom until they reach a weight that is pleasing to the critical eye.

Big ain’t beautiful, quit lying to yourselves.

~Molly May

Define ‘Fat’

Here is what defines one as being ‘fat’, according to Molly May.

When you look pregnant. You aren’t, but everyone who lays eyes on you wonders when the baby is due.

You are out of breath after climbing ONE flight of less than 15 stairs (that, or you are just REALLY old.)

One is constantly tempted to put a keg tap to your belly, hoping that Corona will spurt out.

You have rolls when you stand up. When you sit, a roll here and there is natural, it means that your intestines aren’t sticking to the other side of your skin. But when you stand and resemble a bee hive, then you are FAT.

You have a flab of tummy covering your groin region. Hannah and I refer to this as the ‘garage door’ (you gotta open the garage door to drive the car…)

You can’t seem to roam elsewhere without your extra mass touching people. If you know you are not fat and you are still touching people THE GET OUT OF THEIR PERSONAL BUBBLE FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

Your calves and ankles unite as one. Kankles!

When you sit in the car to drive, body parts other than your hands seem to be touching the steering wheel… (unless your like me and you steer with your knees…just for kicks)

You have a fold on the back of your elbows and/or on the front of your knees. A fat fold. appetizing.

Someone can actually HOLD ON to your love handles. Like, straight up be able to give them a squeeze and they won’t eventually lose grip.

Your butt is no longer round, but lumpy… with extra fat lumps. yum yum!

You find yourself a member of the Fat Acceptance Movement.

You sport a moo-moo on some occasions.

You actually FINISH your large popcorn at the movie theater

You find yourself bitching about skinny people on a regular basis (oooh someone is jealous!)

You can’t fit comfortably on an airplane within the first hour(2 hours is the breaking point. If you can’t make it to the 2 hour mark and you’re not fat, then you are just crazy.)

You waddle (this excludes a day after tragic horse back riding follies)

You read this blog and actually comment with disapproval, in turn telling me that you are actually defending your tubby physique, or you approve of fat-asses

Oprah is your hero, along with Peter Griffin.

You can’t fit in personal public places, such as regular bathroom stalls, fitting rooms, a CHAIR.

You wear larger than XL. Anything beyond XL is not natural unless you are like 7 feet tall.

People wonder who could possibly fuck you. Not because you are ugly, but they are seriously wondering how a fat person fornicates.

You can’t fit into a school desk

When you get up from being on a couch, you find you’ve left a crater for a dent

You get teased for being fat.

This blog makes you cry.

Oh, I could write more, but I limit my computer time to about an hour a day so that I have more time to be active and eat lettuce. You can expect a deuce…

WEEKEND!!

~ Molly May

Deuce! What’s so Goddamn grand about being thin!

Since the last one was so popular, I’ve contemplated a few more awesome perks of being slim.

My favorite thing in almost the entire world is amusement park rides. You can’t go on all of the roller coasters, water rides, spinning tea cup thingy, power towers, gravatron etc. if you are a fat ass. It simply won’t do. You wait in the hour long line surrounded by other weird families and groping teenage couples to find that when it is your turn to fly on the wee airplane through the magical land of wind and kiddie madness, you can’t fit!!! Hell, they can’t even get the first seat belt around you let alone the weird plastic harness thingy. Surely the embarrassment of that fiasco will encourage you to start choking down the carrots as opposed to bear claws by the dozen?

Next perk about having an ass the size of two peas is the fact that as slimmies, our bones don’t have to deal with the extra stress of all of that REPULSIVE excess fat. You’re bones were formed in order to support you, not you plus the equivalent of 382 hamburgers. That’s why fatties have more aches and pains than your average joe/jane without some freaky joint disorder. In all honesty, how can you possibly be pleased with yourself when you leg alone has more rolls than a bakery? This reason isn’t purely for my sick and twisted amusement, its actually a legitimate one. No arguments here.

This next one is similar to crowd weaving, only in it more creative form typically known as DANCING. How the fuck am I supposed to get my groove on when Miss Moo Cow’s 3XL ass feels I would be better as a pancake? How am I supposed to do The Hustle when Mr. Two-By-Four floppy arm flab deems it necessary to hustle me in his lovely damp (SMELLY!) cave-for-an-arm pit? The even bigger question here is HOW the fuck are you supposed to dance with a fatty? Do you grab friends and join hands and ring-around-the-chubber? Or maybe we take the form of synchronized swimmers and pooch-ass acts as the center piece and we move our arms and legs in unison creating that twinkling star effect? Or we can follow Fat Joe’s lead and do the ultimate fat person dance move: LEAN BACK! (Ha, that’s what you do in a recliner, not on the dance floor!)

Oh honestly people, if the answer isn’t even clearer two weeks later, being thin is in, and being fat… is just a fucking hassle. A repulsive, flabby hassle.

Thin is here to stay!!

~ Molly fuckin’ May

Trickery!!

Note: Posts will now be Monday-Wednesday-Friday!

Society has decided to trick us. Today, it is now acceptable to be a fatty. They disguise fatty with words such as ‘curvy’ and ‘full figured’, when in reality, being curvy and full figured only entitles you to boobs and a butt, not cream cheese thighs and a backside the size of Saudi Arabia. This seems to only be happening on the female side of things, because it’s still not acceptable for men to be fat. (yet…) Wonder why that is?

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRY BABIES. We always strive for honesty, but barely any of us can actually handle the fucking truth, or even parts of it. Sad, sad, SAD.

Society today is constantly sugar coating, and I don’t mean the food. After a large spike in the number of eating disorders in young girls the 90’s, it was decided that every shape a woman’s body came in should be acceptable, including the ever so popular body shape known as FAT ASS. The media is constantly failing to realize that eating disorders usually stem from an issue of control, not always from weight loss, but the fatties used and abused the weight theory until the Western world was exploding with everything from talk shows to magazines illustrating the new ‘celebrated body type’.

I don’t feel its necessary to celebrate the body types of those who sit on their big floppy ass all day. The body types of those who eat half the buffet at the casino. Why is it now ok to be at a greater health risk than those who take care of themselves? Someone who eats their feelings rather than expressing them? Is this indeed the type of character we should be ‘celebrating’?

Over and over again they use genetic card, claiming that this was the way they were meant to be. Well, lard ass, just because your mom was a whale and your daddy was a hippo, doesn’t give you the right to pursue a career as Mr. or Ms. Piggy. Once again, is someone who makes up lame excuses for the way they appear to be worth a gold medal in the ‘full figured’ division? No, but you sure get a gold medal for DUMB ASS.

What bothers me the most about the ‘celebrate every body type’ epidemic is that fact that where stories and fashion spreads and beauty tips collect, there is almost always sections, articles, discussions… on how to be HEALTHY. If you truly followed the necessary but easy steps to being healthy (and keeping your BMI under 24) then there should be no reason for this uplifting praise towards these stupid blubbery morons. ‘full figured’, ‘plus sized’, ‘curvy’, they are all just sugar coated words that secretly mean overweight, obese, and FAT.

Thin will ALWAYS be in,

~Molly May

Stupid Fat Bitch Rant 1

So there’s this stupid fat girl I know. I hate her, obviously, or else I would not be writing vulgar things about her.

Fat girls either have one of two personalities: the first personality type is the grouchy fat bitch. Grouchy fat bitches are usually just angry and rude and harass skinny girls whenever they have the chance. No one really likes them aside from their other obese pals. They can usually be found at public eateries trying to convince slim ones to eat beyond portion size (”STUPID SKINNY BITCH YOU TOO STUPID TO EAT?! EAT A GALLON OF ICE CREAM YOU STUPID SKINNY BITCH!!”) oh how charming!

The second personality type is the sweetheart. You feel guilty if you don’t like them because they are so nice to you, but they are TOO nice. So nice in fact that no matter how far you dig through their tubby exterior, you can’t seem to get a single solid opinion out of them. They are people pleasers.

The girl I hate is of the latter personality type. She’s fat, disgusting and stupid, and to top it all off she apologizes for anything an everything, littering whatever conversation you may be having with about 20 sorry’s per minute. A few people wonder how I could possibly be so cruel and hate such a sweet girl. Well, number one, she’s fat. We already know how much I hate fat people. To top off her floppy tits and kankles, she also has the IQ of a blueberry pancake. She thinks that by putting herself down in front of others, it will lead to endless showers of compliments. Honey, when the fuck was is reasonable to compliment a stupid fat girl? What compliments are you looking for? “I love the way your butt crack squeezes out of the top of your jeans, leaving me a view of a vast cavern which allows me to see deep into your bland character!”

Lastly, she always wonders aloud why people think she is boring. Sitting on your moopy ass watching television for the better part of your day is not a hobby us lively folk care to take up. Along with 2+ hours of internet surfing and eating your feelings, I’d say your about as fun as a rotting piece of cheese.

Its been a long week, and I am off to a weekend at the beach to prance around with the other slimmies in our swimming costumes.

Beautiful people have showing bones

~ Molly May

Modeling World 101

I’m sure most of you have bitched about the thinning state of our super models… ribs, hips, cheek bones all just waiting to bust out of their bodies like some sluts bad cleavage. Ah, it is not a good thing. But keep in mind that this spare rib fest has only been happening since the last decade or so, because before then, the models looked healthy.

A few of you have seen America’s Next Top Model, no? Well leave it to Tyra to only pick models who aren’t about to star in a ‘feed the people of some vague African dessert’ commercial. Most of them look considerably healthy, and a good lot of them look like they could hold their own in a fist fight. Every other season or so, there is a ‘Plus Sized’ model. Now the fatties have a chance to perhaps change the industry forever and make it acceptable for all shapes and sizes to walk the catwalk! No, sorry, you must be able to walk (not roll) and we don’t want to see you falling through it at some point, paunchy bitches. Face it, that uh ‘industry’ is just not for you, and only your fellow fat bitches hope you succeed. (Ever notice how the plus size one never wins? They are NOT WANTED!)

This is what really gets me about most people’s mindset about that entire industry. They think its all fun and glamour and you get free clothes and to chill with famous people and your career skyrockets right away. NO NO NO. The fashion industry sucks more dick that a Las Vegas prostitute!!! If you think that chilling around with other bland boney bitches all day (ALL DAY. starting at 5 AM ending at midnight) Never being fed more than an old crumbly nutrigrain bar the entire time, wearing the most uncomfortable shoes not to mention some retarded outfit that you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing in public, and to top it all off you barely even get paid anything for it because your greedy agency takes GIGANTIC cuts out of your final check. So poof, afterwards there you are, a beautiful day wasted with a bunch a bitchy designers and snobby ‘important’ people who refuse to wear any article of clothing that costs less than your car, and enough money to get you to McDonald’s and back a few times, or maybe just enough to pay a quarter of your rent.

Why people are allured to this lifestyle I will never know. Why the fatties feel they need to fight for a proper place in it is beyond me. They must be fat, AND stupid to want to be a part of it. Why every other little girl dreams of being a super model is probably more upsetting to me than a fat bitch in a skirt and tank top, rolls and all.

Eat your veggies

~ Molly May